Tammy:

July 20, 2019 would’ve been Natalie’s 18th birthday. It is true what they say about grief: You don’t move on from it, you just move forward as best as you can with whatever strength you have. Even if that strength feels very small. Also, from my experience, it’s best to not do it alone. For the last eight years, the tradition we’ve had on Natalie’s birthday is to spend the day with family. We went to Seattle and San Diego for the first couple of years. Last year, my family came and we rented a beautiful house in Carmel Valley to spend time together.

This year we foolishly deviated from our tradition. My family came mid-June to spend time with us and I thought it would be okay. It’s been eight years so I thought we should try something new. Maybe we can do this by ourselves this once? We learned quickly enough what a huge mistake we’ve made. It felt like trying to walk on a wounded leg that had not healed without any crutches. We were both so angry and in so much pain. Grant and I flailed and kept knocking heads with each other.

We still missed Natalie too deeply to do this on our own. Plus, this year was a big birthday. If Natalie was here with us, she would have been so excited to be 18! She always loved birthdays, especially her own. She loved the attention, the gifts, the birthday meal, the cake, and the decorations. Most of all, she loved being together with her family. I imagine she may have wanted to be in Paris for her 18th birthday. She talked about going to Paris often because it seemed like such a sophisticated place in the books she read. Paris was filled with so many things that were appealing to Natalie-fancy clothes, gourmet food, and beautiful art to admire.

Our friends Seykou and Grace had us over for dinner on July 14th.and talked about visiting Paris. They said roundtrip tickets from SFO to Paris only cost $300. They both speak French fluently and have family in Paris. It seemed like a clear sign. Just hearing them talk made me seriously consider going to Paris on July 20th. I could bring Elley with us and we could release balloons for Natalie in Paris this year. How fun and special that would be!

I immediately looked for flights to Paris on my laptop when we got home. I must have misunderstood the $300 airfare because all I could find were really expensive tickets for July. $24,000 total for two adults and a fourteen year old. Maybe the $300 was for travel in the fall or winter? Or maybe it was too last minute to get reasonable rates? Whatever the case, my clear sign was now fading. I also remembered that Sean had a big dance he wanted to go to with his friends on July 20th. He had contributed money to rent a party bus and had even forced himself to go to the mall to get a new button down shirt.

So as much as I will always love Natalie, it was important that Sean feels like he has an equal place in my heart. Paris would have to wait a little longer. Not too long though because I still want to release balloons in Paris while Natalie is 18 this year.

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Grant:

I really screwed up this year. I didn’t plan anything for Natalie’s 18th birthday and Tammy was focused on helping Sean prepare for a big dance party so she didn’t setup anything either. We ended up having what you could either call a big fight or a little war. The silver lining? I feel like I finally understand something I’ve missed for our entire marriage.

This was my insight:
What I do is not as important as how I make Tammy feel.

How did I come up with that?
During one of our fights this weekend, I went outside to cool off. She had made some comments about a job I wanted but did not get. She did not want me to get that job because she heard that I would need to possibly work nights and weekends for the first seven months. She thought it was too much for our family to have both of us with demanding jobs. She was worried about neglecting Sean.

After steaming outside for 20 minutes, I realized that Tammy thinks that I’m the kinda guy who wants a job more because she doesn’t want me to get it. She thinks that I’m the kinda guy who, even though he didn’t get the job, will rub her nose in the fact that he wanted it even though she didn’t want him to have it. That guy is a jerk. That’s not me. That’s not what happened. But that’s how I make her feel.

At first, I’m like, you gotta be kidding me. I am not that guy. That is not what happened. Here’s what really happened. Let me explain it to you. You’re wrong. You don’t understand. That’s not what happened. That’s not who I am. That’s not what I did. Here’s what I really did. Here’s what I really thought.

I live inside my own head too much. I want Tammy to join me here but she can’t. I’m a caveman beating her with my club and trying to drag her into my head. She’s kicking and pulling away the entire time. Even if I get her inside, she leaves as soon as she can. Why don’t I just go to her place? Because I like mine better. I look better in my cave. When I go inside her head, I don’t look so good. I look like a big jerk. Then I don’t feel so good about myself. I feel kinda sick.

I think, “If Tammy could just see what was in my heart, then she will see how much I love her!” So I feel like I need to argue louder and harder and show her how frustrated I am that she doesn’t recognize my love. If I say it right, then she will understand.

I fail to see how much I hurt her. I fail to see that there are other perspectives than the one that is in my head. I need to understand and value Tammy’s perspective.

I am not very patient when I think I am right. And I am proud, so I think I am right almost all the time. I can usually come up with all sorts of reasons why I’m right. I have all the justifications in my head.

Sean told me recently that I argue logically while Tammy argues emotionally. He is right. Even on Natalie’s birthday, I was arguing logically with Tammy. She couldn’t hear it. She is always interested more in what is in my heart than what is in my head. When I’m not arguing with logic, she can see what is in my heart and feel how much I love her and how much I love Natalie and Sean.

I picked up balloons and we ended up releasing them to Natalie at 9pm on Monday July 22nd. We scribbled messages on them this year instead of painting them. As I released my last balloon, I whispered into the night sky, “I’m sorry they’re late, Natalie.”