Tammy,

I woke up and just started crying. I was thinking about Natalie and I really missed her. Even though you were right next to me, I felt lonely. I didn’t want to wake you up. I wanted to let myself feel it and then let it go. I’ve been all locked up and the conditions have to be just right to cry.

Birthdays without Natalie are hard. I remember the special times we had with her and I feel her absence more. Psychologists call them triggers. Mother’s Day without Natalie must have hit you hard. That helps me to see why you have been more sensitive.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of one misunderstanding after another. I have been wracking my brain, trying to figure out what went wrong. It helps me to write it all down. Preparing for your finals, driving down to San Jose on Thursday, finals on both Thursday and Friday, your work has been crazy busy, and I had job interviews. Interviews are a good problem to have. I guess all of these are good problems to have but we haven’t slowed down to process our thoughts and emotions. We have been super sensitive and at first I thought it was just fatigue. Now I see a big part of it was heartache.

I have been throwing ropes across to you, trying to pull us together. I throw you a conversation rope and you don’t grab on. As I write that, I realize maybe you are saying that I’m not getting it. You don’t think I understand so you won’t grab on to my ropes until you feel that I do understand. You think I’m just picking little things and not hearing the big things. I’m not hearing the important things, like your feelings.

When I’m hurting inside from missing Natalie, it’s hard to think of anybody but myself. You’re right that I don’t understand because I don’t think like you. You have the ability to think about others and their feelings when you are hurting inside. Also, since it is my birthday, I have a hard time thinking about anybody else but me. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to change this selfishness. I am trying to do little things each day to change it. I want to be a better husband and dad.

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Grant,

When I am hurting, I don’t want to grab on to anything. I worry that if I grab onto any rope you throw my way, I am just going to drag you down with me to my level of despair. I look at pain as something I need to endure on my own. Remember when I was in intense pain giving birth to Natalie? You offered to massage me, hold my hand, or get me a popsicle to soothe my pain the way they taught you in our Lamaze class. I didn’t want any of those comforting techniques. I told you all I wanted was for you to sit in the corner chair and read a book until the baby arrives. You listened to me for ten minutes before you were next to my side again, encouraging me with words. The more I pushed you away, the more persistently you tried to be by my side.

I wonder if I was more needy and less independent, you would want to run as far away from me as possible?

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Tammy,

I am a little bit confused. The way I remember Natalie’s birth starts out the same. You didn’t want music. You didn’t want apple juice or water. You told me to go read my book and leave you alone. I did. I don’t remember bugging you after that. In fact, I remember exactly which book I was reading: I started reading The Golden Torc quietly in the chair. It wasn’t a great book and I don’t recommend it. I only remember it because I wished I had a different book.

Natalie was born at 2am and we didn’t sleep much that night. I woke up around 7am and called my parents to tell them the good news. I ate breakfast while you and Natalie slept. Lunch came and I remember thinking, “This is pretty easy. My baby just sleeps.” I finished my book and then the party started.

Natalie woke up, she woke you up, then she wouldn’t go back to sleep. Her schedule was all wacky because she had slept all day. I ran out of steam about dinner because I was up all night and didn’t take a nap and she wouldn’t stop crying. You were weak from birth and it was impossible for you to be independent. I stepped up and kept Natalie entertained- until I crashed about midnight. The nurses came to take Natalie away and give her the heel stick and I was relieved. When she got back, I was totally confused by the band aid on her heel and mad at the nurses for taking our baby away and not explaining that they were giving her a shot.

The point I’m trying to make is that I gave more when you need me, so maybe you should give “needy and less independent” another shot. I mean, I did all the stuff you asked me to yesterday and you even liked my curry noodles.

Wait. Can I make a slight adjustment? I would change it to “grateful, needy, and less independent.” That would be awesome. I think you would like living that way.

Grateful, needy, and less independent. And I would never run away darling.

I’ll pick up dinner for tonight. Something healthy.
-g