Birthdays are big for our family. One year when we were in Lake Tahoe, Natalie waited outside of Auntie Bev’s door, patiently sitting on the floor, holding a plate of pancakes with a candle, until Auntie Bev came out. It was Auntie Bev’s birthday and Natalie insisted we make a cake. Pancakes were the best I could do considering that we were in a rental condo and the gift shop provisions were limited to basic grocery staples. That is how crazy we are when it comes to birthdays. Every year, my husband, my son, my family, and my in-laws never fail to make me feel super special on my big day.

I didn’t know how to celebrate my birthday the first few years without Natalie. Those around me, including my coworkers and friends, still treated me a like a queen on my birthday. You would think any girl would feel lucky to be spoiled with such nice gifts and meals the way I was spoiled. Don’t get me wrong, I did feel grateful for their love and friendship. It feels good to be loved by those around you. At the same time though, something inside of me didn’t feel right. I had changed after I lost Natalie and I didn’t know how to explain these strange feelings I was experiencing.  Was I sad that I was celebrating without Natalie? No, it wasn’t sadness. I know sadness really well and would recognize it immediately. Also, it’s hard to be sad when you are hit with an abundance of encouragement all in one day. It was something else and it took me eight years to figure it out.

I had an “AHA!” moment through a memory of a conversation I had with Natalie a few month before she passed away. We were laying on my bed and she had her head rested on my left shoulder. Both her arms curled around my left left arm as she held both her little hands around my left hand. She told me she was worried about what would become of me, her Popo (my mom) and her elephant Elley when she was no longer here. I told her I would probably never be able to stop crying if she wasn’t here anymore and it would be the end of me. She said she was worried about that. She knew that her papa, Sean, her gran and gramps, her Ee Ee (my little sister) and everyone else would stay strong but she wasn’t sure about me and Popo. She said my heart was filled too much with her. Same for Popo. Natalie said we needed to fill our hearts with other  people and other things besides just her. She also made me promise to take care of Elley.

At the time of that conversation, it was hard for me to believe that I would be able to move on without Natalie. It just seemed impossible. I refused to believe that she would die. I expected a miracle even until the very end. Yet, she did die and here we are celebrating my birthday eight years later. Her death wasn’t the end of me. I’ve cried a lot but it has not been unstoppable tears. And the wise words of my 10 year old daughter helped me to figure out what has been bugging me on my birthdays all these past years: I was feeling guilt for not making room in my heart for others. Every year, my birthday was all focused on me.

So this birthday I wanted to focus on giving to others and making them feel special. When everyone asked me what I wanted to do on my birthday, I told them I wanted to cook and serve at the Martinez homeless shelter. I wanted to make an unforgettable meal for the nine families who live there and I wanted my friends to help me. My secret weapon was my mom, who came up to be the head chef.

Under her culinary direction, we made potstickers, egg rolls, chow mein and orange chicken, all from scratch.

We entered the kitchen of the shelter at 2pm and didn’t leave there until after 7pm. The families who lived there said they knew it was going to be really good when we started prepping at 2pm. They have never had anyone cook them a meal in that kitchen like the meal we cooked them. They felt spoiled! That was what I wanted to hear and my heart felt so much better knowing that I was able make the families feel as special as me on my birthday.

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Grant:

When I read what Tammy wrote, I cried. She never told me that Natalie talked to her about dying. Years ago, while Natalie was in the hospital, I had several private conversations about dying with Eileen, the children’s therapist at UCSF. Tammy let me take that on. Tammy agreed to have Eileen and I broach the subject with Natalie. Eventually, Eileen and I had one conversation with Natalie.

We chose to have the talk when Natalie was in the hospital but in good health and good spirits. I felt terrible but I knew it was the mature and responsible thing to do. I didn’t want to ruin a good day but I also didn’t want to make a bad day worse. Eileen’s professional advice: it was better to have it on a good day. I carefully asked Natalie if we could talk about what might happen if she died. She already knew death was a possibility. The very first week of her treatment, we had to tell her we were choosing a difficult course of chemo to try to save her life and if we did nothing, she would die. She knew we were fighting against death.

My eyes teared up when I asked Natalie if it was okay to have Eileen there. She agreed easily; she liked Eileen. We all did. Eileen asked some questions and explained this was all hypothetical, that we expected her to get better but we just wanted to be prepared to do whatever Natalie wanted us to do. Natalie didn’t really care about a wake or the music or planning a party or a funeral. None of that was important to her. She was very clear she wanted Sean to have all of her stuff. Other than that, she didn’t have any specific or even vague ideas about her possible death.

She didn’t have a bucket list. When she first got diagnosed, she wanted to go to Paris. But once she realized she didn’t know anyone in France, she realized she didn’t want to cross the world to eat a croissant or see the Eiffel Tower. She wanted to be around her family and friends. Death wasn’t something she wanted to think about or plan for, so we let it drop.

Tammy and her mom don’t like to talk about death. They say if you talk about it, it might happen, so they avoid it.  I never imagined Natalie talked with Tammy about death. Natalie was a very thoughtful little girl but that conversation is amazing and unexpected.

Natalie was a lot like me: proud, smart, and stubborn. Natalie talking to Tammy, well, maybe I started it. Maybe Eileen and I helped Natalie to think about what might come next.

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It was Tammy’s birthday and she wanted to cook. She wanted to cook for us and for other people. Initially, that confused me; that is not the way I think. For my birthday, I don’t even want my buddies over for poker night at our house. I don’t want to do the preparation and spend all night being the host and I definitely don’t want to do the midnight after-party clean up. Partly because I’m afraid I might lose and then I will be thinking about how I lost and feeling like a loser cleaning up after the winners have gone home. It barely crosses my mind that I get to hang out with my friends or how it is an honor to host and share our wonderful home.

I didn’t understand why Tammy wanted to cook at Shelter, Inc. After reading what she wrote, I’m thinking maybe I’m doing it all wrong. Maybe I should host poker night. Maybe I should do something I love with people I love. What if I lose? That will suck. Well, maybe I should think less about losing and more about how I have a lot of friends and how they came over. What if we don’t have a good time? That’s silly. I’ve had maybe two bad poker nights in my life. They weren’t that bad either but I still get afraid. I’ve hosted poker night and lost and it hasn’t ruined me. What am I afraid of? Man, I’m a big scaredy cat. Enough about me! Back to Tammy.

Tammy put that event together. Yes, she had help from me and Sean and her mom and Ann and a bunch of other people. But it was her thing; we are all connected to her. She was the hub, the center, the star. Tammy is generous and thoughtful. She shared her love for cooking with perfect strangers. For her birthday, she did something she loved with people she loves for people she didn’t even know. Her love inspired all of us to do something really nice for them.

And it wasn’t just one day. Tammy has been thinking about this for months, since the first time we went there. She told everyone about her party and invited them. She thought about Ma and how Ma might feel uncomfortable. She invited Ann because Ann would make Ma feel better. I’m so glad that Ann was able to come. She cranked! She cooks, speaks Cantonese, and was able to understand Ma perfectly.

Natalie wanted Tammy and Ma to make room in their hearts for other people and things. They both have done that. She would be so proud of them!