I got laid off yesterday but “fired” sounds more dramatic and it feels like I got fired. I’m feeling sad and unwanted so I go to my happy place, the place where I can feel successful and comfortable and good. I go fishing.

Lafayette Reservoir.  I’m on the left L-dock. I just got there and my boss former boss texted and asked when I’m going to pick up my things.  What a punk!  He got rid of me and now he wants to get rid of my stuff. Wow.  I’m feeling some junk.  Let’s look at the text again:

FORMER BOSS   Let me know when you want to come by (non hurry).  We can mix in lunch if you’d like?  Either way, entirely up to you.

ME                        Fishing now.

FORMER BOSS    🙂

Ok, maybe I was overreacting.  A little. I’m discouraged so I try to find my happy place. Then he bugs me. He pokes the bear.

I am trying to relax and unwind and let down and then he goes and reminds me that they kicked me out yesterday and now he wants me to clean up the trash I left behind. I’m at Lafayette hoping to catch a limit, to catch five fish so I can feel like a big winner. I want to feel the thrill of the bite and the fight. I want to come home, tired and proud and happy. Not just one or two, no, I want five. If I catch five then I have to work to clean them- but it’s not like I have a job. Sheesh. I’m still raw.

I expected my boss to leave me alone for a week. Part of me is scared he was part of the decision, that he picked me to get the axe. I’m hurting. I feel like I wasn’t good enough.

Another part of me was ready. Last month, Joe and I grabbed lunch. Joe mused, “You know, if the ride at Riverbed is over, it’s been a good ride.”

I agree. It has been a good ride. Riverbed helped us buy our house and allowed me to spend more time with my family and get my first dog. I’ve played poker and pool and ping pong and basketball with my coworkers. Pflager has been the best boss in my career.

I got the job shortly after Natalie died. It was a fresh start, a new beginning. Riverbed was safe and secure after losing Natalie. It was not time to go after a demanding job that took me physically or emotionally away from Tammy and Sean. The entire 7 years, I only told 3 people Natalie died: Jeff, Asif, and Joe. Several times, I started to tell Pflager. I never did. I wasn’t ready. When I thought of starting our blog last year, I still wasn’t ready. I worried what my coworkers would say, how they would look at me and I did not want to deal with it. I guess now I don’t have to see them.

===

Tammy:

The wind whipped at us this morning while we walked Jirachi, our two year old labradoodle. It did not bother Jirachi, who trotted happily next to us. Grant said he wanted to go fishing but he hesitated because it was so windy. I encouraged him to go.

Grant is sad and sensitive. He feels a tremendous sense of loss. I am not sure how I feel about this new change. Jirachi is a smart dog but she does not suspect anything is different today. She is too busy sniffing and exploring bushes and picking up bits of garbage with her pretty white teeth. She has the cutest waddle when she walks. She is happy because she got to kiss her boyfriend, a gentle, brown lab, on our walk. His name is Finn.

It’s been eight years since we last blogged and opened our life to the world. The first time we did it was in the hopes that it could save our daughter’s life. Since the chances of her getting a bone marrow match depended on getting the word out to as many people as we could, we really didn’t have a choice then. This time around it feels like we actually have a choice. As nervous as I am about sharing my life with the whole world, it may help some people to hear how we are holding up and what we’ve been up to.

“How are you?” followed by a long hug is the greeting I get from friends who have not seen me since they heard that Natalie died. In those three words, I feel the weight of their sadness, worry, and relief.  They are happy I haven’t had a mental breakdown. Some people cry after they hug me and it makes me want to cry too.

When Grant got the job at Riverbed, it had not been long since we lost Natalie. I wanted him to take a job that was not demanding so we could have the time to heal properly. Riverbed was the perfect company for him. He had nice co-workers and even got to work from home. Grant was able to write more and we finished our book together. That book is all about what happened to us those eight years after Natalie died.

How am I doing? I’m doing okay. Some days are hard for me, some days I think I am going crazy, and some days are good. I’m happy that you are reading this and want to know how we are doing. It makes me even happier than watching Jirachi waddle up the street to our house.