Who even has time to write a blog? Me! I got all the time in the world since I got laid off and Tammy has a good job that can carry us. Having a supportive wife is a big deal because I don’t write well under pressure. I need to be relaxed so the words flow and stress makes me constipated. Not literally, verbally. I can squeeze out some words but it is way better when I feel free. Probably should end that line of thought. Tammy will probably make me edit it out.

Time is a big deal because we always have stuff we want to do. I’d rather fish or rock climb or play poker or organize the house. (I’m undiagnosed OCD.) With no job and no great pressure to find one, I have no excuses not to write. That scares me, too. I’m a big chicken.

I have a hard time believing our blog will be wildly successful or even mildly successful.

I have a hard time wanting to write because I can’t believe anyone would want to read it. Also, I hate to be vulnerable. I am deeply critical of my writing and negativity, especially from the love of my life, shatters my fragile ego. I don’t care as much about what anyone else thinks about my writing as long as Tammy loves it.

More than having time to write is having steely determination. It is more like twinkles of inspiration followed by long periods of despair than a steady metronome of progress.

This thought slapped me: We have already suffered through leukemia and death and mourning. So how hard is it to lose a job or write? Yes, it is hard to remember the painful times and face rejection. But we already wrote a book with the same themes as this blog.

We worked with a publisher and editor from New York.  They both told us we needed a blog or a platform. Tammy and I are social media noobs. We do not have social media accounts where we let people into our lives and we don’t have any followers. Unless you count our dog. She follows us around the house when we carry treats.

We needed a blog. Except I wasn’t ready to blog when I had a job. I wasn’t ready to face my coworkers if they read our blog. I was terrified of their questions: “Why didn’t you tell us before? What was it like?” Now I don’t have any more coworkers! I’m free!

Wait. I was even more afraid of their reactions. “Wow, sucks to be you. You poor man. No wonder you get all moody. No wonder you space out. Oh, so that’s why . . .”

Do I fear great success? 

No, I dream of writing a New York Times bestseller.

It would be cool to be on Ellen because she is generous and real and funny.

Or Late Night with David Letterman. I know Letterman’s not on the air anymore but back off, I’m dreamin’ heah! I used to watch Letterman when he was funny.

Man, if only Oprah still had a show. Hey, maybe we can make her book club!

I’d love it if our writing touched people. Tammy sent a pic to me and Sean showing her fortune yesterday:

Her text: “My fortune cookie said this. Come on Way of Fishing and Love blog team! Let’s do this.” So, here we are. Here is our blog. We hope you enjoy our stories about fishing, our family, food, and the way we show our love. They capture our twisting path through grief. Losing someone you love is devastating but there are good things that happen even along that journey.

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Tammy:

I am a sucker for messages inside of fortune cookies. I actually get excited about the good ones: “A great opportunity is coming your way!” “You will achieve something great!” I am deeply disappointed with the duds: “Do not be alarmed by news you hear today” or “Walk softly instead of loudly.” Those messages should never be inside. The person who came up with them should be fired.

Who wants to open up a fortune cookie and get a warning or something that makes no sense at all? I’ll never take a bite of a fortune cookie that has a warning in it. Straight into the garbage can because I don’t want weird, mysterious things happening to me.

I really did like the fortune I got yesterday after eating my meal from Panda Express. I do want to touch the hearts of people in hopes that it will open the door for a good conversation. I want to share what I have gone through and I want to learn from them. There is so much to learn yet about grieving and we need all the help we can get.

I’m hoping our blog will help me connect with many of you out there who have loved and have been devastated by it. I’m hoping people read this blog and it makes you want to talk more about what it means for you to love someone you care about deeply. I don’t want grief to be just connected with sadness only.

I think of Natalie almost every day. I think how much I love her. I think how special that love is. I think of love in all its myriad forms: in fishing, in my marriage, in spending time with family, in cooking and eating great food, in my son Sean, and in my friendships. I want Natalie’s name to be connected with love in those forms. I know she would want that too.