Gosh, it’s been so long since our last post. So much has happened with Grant starting a new job, the holiday blues hitting us mid-October til after New Year’s, and then COVID-19 touching the entire world. Where do we begin again when it’s been so long? I thought about that on many of my social distancing walks this past month and finally decided that we should begin again at a natural beginning point- a birthday.

Monday was my 47th birthday. One of my friends commented that it must be so weird for me to celebrate a birthday in quarantine this year. Is it weird? Not really. I spent birthdays in quarantine from 2008-2011.

Hunkering down at home brought back lots of memories of our previous experiences with quarantine. Social distancing may be a new concept to some people, but sadly not to us. We have done social distancing and quarantine before.

We did it for three years with Natalie due to her compromised immune system. She couldn’t leave her room at UCSF and we had to do everything we could to not get sick ourselves so we could stay with her and try to keep her healthy. Grant and I would take turns; one of us slept at home with Sean while the other slept at the hospital.

Grant, Natalie, and I occupied ourselves daily with artwork, reading, watching movies, schoolwork, sewing, playing with her stuffed animals, baking cookies in her EZ bake oven, making jewelry, playing video games, napping, and decorating her room. We tried to stay busy so that there was some semblance of normalcy in our isolation. We let Sean play a LOT of Pokemon on his Nintendo DS and we also setup a rotation of family and friends to keep him occupied and entertained.

My birthday this year is different, for sure. I woke up with so many birthday texts that I thought my phone was going to explode. Next, Grant surprised me with a new Alexa sous chef tablet — and he showed me how to pull up my own recipes with voice commands when I am cooking. I asked Alexa to pull up Auntie Betty’s gingerbread recipe and she did it right in front on me on command. It was pretty amazing. Then, I took Jirachi for a walk and saw that one of my friends had decorated my front pathway and driveway with birthday artwork in colorful sidewalk chalk. I have no idea if the drawings were done really late at night or early in the morning. Whoever did it was quiet and did not leave any other notes.

At 12:30pm, I was able to zoom with my family. At 2pm, my friend Jen delivered homemade vanilla/strawberry cake with another lovely present (the Breaking Bread Recipe book by Martin Phillip, head baker with King Arthur Flour). I have to resist reading it until after I am done with finals. At 3 pm, my neighbor Hala dropped off a homemade Mediterranean feast of delicately spiced fish, baba ganoush, hummus, rice, salad, and a birthday cake. All homemade! She told me last week that she gets first dibs on cooking for me on my birthday but I did not expect a spread like that or a birthday cake. Right after that delivery, our doorbell rang again and on my porch was a lemon bundt cake, fresh eggs, and more gifts. Three cakes! What am I going to do with three cakes on my birthday?

My friends couldn’t hug me or eat with me this year but I felt the abundance of their love for me. As you may know from my previous birthday post, birthdays are especially hard for me after Natalie died. I still cry every birthday because I feel the void in my heart with the loss of Natalie. I miss her dearly.

I find it strange how I can have a huge hole in my heart and still feel so much love. I felt so LOVED on my birthday . I am grateful for my wonderful family and friends because they keep me grounded and sane.

To top off my day, Sean asked Alexa who the most wonderful mom in the world is right in front of me. Alexa said after doing much research, it is, “Sean’s Mom”. He hugged me and told me he agreed. What a way to end a birthday with a hug from my 15 year old teenager!

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Tammy,

You got 3 cakes today: a lemon bundt delivered by Dorine, Hala’s pecan, and Jennifer’s strawberry. My first thought was, “How are we going to eat all of that!” I knew we wouldn’t, so my next thought: “Who could we give leftovers to?” Then I stopped myself. Shame on me! These are your cakes and you deserve them and many, many more. There is a time to be practical but not now. Now is the time for me to appreciate you and let you enjoy every minute and every bite and every bit of the love. I should have gotten you an ice cream cake from Lottie’s and then you would have had 4!

I hope you know you are loved by so many people, including me. Whenever I tell you how great you are, you think I am biased because I am your husband. Well, today I hope the card you got from Hala helps you believe what I’ve been telling you. Hala wrote:

“Dearest Tammy- What is there to wish someone who has it all: character, kindness, caring, with a generous personality, a great friend, mother and wife. You have it all. You are the richest friend I know.”

Hala is right. You are rich. Over the years, you baked countless meals and cakes and pies and, more importantly, given your heart to our friends. Today, a few of them have returned some of the love you gave to them. When our doorbell rang off the hook and I saw all the cakes, presents, and that feast, I felt honored to be married to you. I’m married to a rock star!

Most of your friends don’t know that birthdays are hard for you so they are not motivated by anything but gratitude for your friendship. Just like me, they are glad you are in their life. They don’t know much about the hardest heartbreak in our life. I do. And I am amazed you still have so much in your heart us, for me and for them.

Oh! And Hala’s special delivery -the warm Pyrex held a half dozen exotic fish fillets in a delicately spiced red sauce. I waited until you had the first bite and then grabbed a small plate. The fish would go really well with the rice. The round bowl of baba ganoush was on top of generous container of Hala’s hummus and of course I just had to dig into her hummus. I felt like it was my birthday!

How many birthday cakes do you deserve? Dozens. The porch should be full of cakes and we should have to guard every countertop and table from Jirachi’s curious nose. What if every person you ever made a cake for gave you one? How many would you have? Oh, I know it isn’t like that. There are very few bakers like you. But let’s pretend. Our house would have been filled with cakes.

You have done so much for so many people! Today, 3 of them brought you cakes. You deserve more! As soon as there’s room in the freezer, I’m getting you a Lottie’s!